Tentacle Date
by KennedyHarlow
Summary: So most people have heard of tentacle rape. But surely not all tentacles are out there raping people. Some of them must know how to take someone out and show them a good time. So stayed tuned y'all, 'cause its about to get consensual. Parody inspired by some *ahem* interesting death note artwork.


**Tentacle Date**

_Intro__: So most anime fans have heard of tentacle rape- that theme in adult shows where tentacles slither in from all directions and violate anime ladies- and evidently anime guys as well. __ I came across some… let's say 'shocking' artwork online: a drawing of L being attacked by tentacles, in a pornographic way. But _I figured tentacles can't all be out there raping people. There must be some classy tentacles that know how to take a guy out and show him a good time the old fashioned way. This story is the anti tentacle rape; its a tentacle date. So stayed tuned y'all, 'cause its about to get consensual.  


_Notes: This is kind of an absurd piece. It was hard to convey the action in this story without visual aids, so I want to explain it a bit. I picture the tentacles sort of hoving into view from somewhere off screen. If anyone has seen the episode of Futurama where Evo takes over Earth and all those purple tentacles invade the planet, that is what these tentacles would resemble._

_Objectionable Material: __Aside from the story being based on a pornographic theme, this is pretty much a G rated peice. Nothing objectionable actually occurs. In fact I consider it a tribute to good morals and ethics. _

_Disclaimer__: Death Note and affiliated characters are owned and created by Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata._

* * *

L sat in the dark hotel room that was serving as the headquarters of the Kira investigation. He was crouching in a desk chair, watching the video monitor that showed Light confined in his cell. Everyone else had been sent home. Even Watari had asked him if he needed anything else, and then retired to his room. L was all alone. Everything was quiet.

He was slowly sipping down a cup of dark coffee, watching Light lie on the floor of the cell, doing nothing of interest.

Suddenly a knock came at the door. He clambered off his chair, and skulked slowly over to the door.

"Who's there?" He called, in a flat, disinterested tone. He unhitched the security chain and opened the door.

The tips of several large tentacles hovered in front of the door. They extended down the hallway and out of sight, coming from multiple directions, with their ends converged at this point in front of L's hotel room. They lingered, still and expectantly, as if waiting for him to make some movement.

"Oh," L said. "Look who decided to show up." He glanced at the clock on the side-table next to the couch. "Forty-five minutes late."

The tentacles, particularly the largest one that hovered at about the level of his face, sank dejectedly, as if sighing in defeat, or possibly annoyance. One of them grasped him by the shoulder, and spun him around. It pushed against his back and guided him towards the other end of the room.

The large tentacle pushed L up to the window, and a smaller one tapped on the glass, pointing down at the street below where several cars crowded the road.

"Really?" L said. "Traffic?"

The big tentacle moved in a nodding motion.

"It's not like you drove here…" L muttered.

The tentacles waited for a moment, deciding what to do, then one of the large ones wrapped around L's waist and dragged him, stumbling, across the room.

"Hey! Stop it!" He protested. But they ignored him. One of the smaller ones slid in front of him, further tripping him up, as it darted into the bedroom. It returned holding up his jacket, as he was pushed out the door. The remaining tentacles quickly withdrew from the room, and one of them yanked the door shut.

They handed him his jacket and one of the smaller ones pointed down the hallway eagerly.

"Fine," he said. "But I get to pick the movie."

* * *

L walked down the street, and the tentacles followed him. They appeared from around corners, and slithered up beside him. Some retreated as new groups slid in from above, below, and all directions. They wove through the streets, seeming to entangle the entire city, and hovered about him.

The beautiful anime girls in short skirts screamed dramatically and ran for cover, as the tentacles slithered through the city. But the tentacles paid them no mind.

"Hah. Don't flatter yourselves," L mumbled.

* * *

L and the tentacles reached the theater, but the ticket seller told them, "I'm sorry but the Hunger Games at 8:45 is sold out."

The tentacles hovered around L, seeming to glare at him. One of the smaller ones slithered in with a cell-phone and several thin tentacles began tapping away deftly at the screen.

L's phone vibrated in his pocket, and he retrieved it. A new message had appeared on the screen.

"**Tentacles:** Why didn't you call moviefone?"

L narrowed his eyes. "I _did_. For an hour ago, when we were _supposed_ to be here," he said. Almost instantly, the phone vibrated again in his hand.

"**Tentacles:** Yeah, yeah. Sorry."

The ticket seller behind the window said, "The next showing is at 9:30. If you buy tickets now, you won't risk that it sells out again."

Another vibration.

"**Tentacles:** Lets just see something else. I don't wanna see hunger games anyway. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be

**Tentacles:** super gay."

"That's not fair," L protested. "You said I could pick, and I intend to. I select Hunger Games at 9:30."

The tentacles sank again, in their sighing motion. Then one slithered up from behind and slid an American Express Black card under the window.

* * *

The two of them decided to go to Starbucks while they waited for their movie to start. L ordered a double caramel machiatto and the tentacles got a venti iced latte. People turned to glance at the strange pair- L balancing on his feet while squatting on one of the chairs, and the tentacles laced under tables and over couches, with four or five ends hovering over the table, in front of L.

"Interesting, " L said, taking a sip of his drink. He was looking over a pamphlet about the Starbuck's corporate philosophy. "Starbucks offer's all employees the option to purchase stock at a discount."

The tentacles nodded, but one slid away and returned with a pen. It took the pamphlet and, flipping it over, scrawled a few words on the back.

"_Opportunity Cost._" The tentacle tapped the pen next to the words it had just written.

L frowned. "Really?"

The tentacles nodded, and wrote another message.

"_Probably. Starbucks is a low growth stock. Increased wages instead of stock option might offer employees ability to purchase higher risk/higher return investments."_

"What about tax advantages? Wages would be taxed as income, but an increase in stock value would be treated as capital gains."

The largest tentacle moved as if to shake its head- which it of course didn't have, but it mimicked the motion nonetheless. One of the smaller ones began typing on the cell phone.

"**Tentacles:** Capital gains r taxed lower rate, but actual receipt of option is treated as income... for the most part."

"I see…" L said, taking another sip of his drink.

His phone vibrated again.

"**Tentacles:** So you don't know everything? :-)"

L set his drink down, and said, "I don't claim to."

The phone vibrated again, and L glanced down at it.

"**Tentacles:** HAH!"

Another vibration, then,

"**Tentacles:** You are so arrogant"

Vibrate.

"**Tentacles:** That its not"

Vibrate.

"**Tentacles:** even funny."

L glared up at the tentacles. "You know, I don't find it- " L was cut off when his phone vibrated again.

"**Tentacles:** Hey L

**Tentacles:** Tell me again"

Vibrate.

"**Tentacles:** How you solved the BB murder case."

Vibrate.

"**Tentacles:** 3"

L glared up. "Are you finished?" He asked.

The tentacles nodded.

* * *

They returned to the theatre at 9:30. As they tried to enter, the ticket seller stopped them.

"Woah, woah, woah, hold on," he said. "Are those outside beverages? Those cant come in here."

L and the tentacles stopped, holding their Starbucks cups.

"You'll have to throw those away."

L moved towards the trashcan, but the tentacles stopped him, a small one wrapping quickly around his arm like a constricting snake.

"Let's just throw them away," L said.

The large tentacle moved in a head- shaking motion.

"Come _on_," L said. "Let's not do this again. Just throw it away."

L's phone vibrated.

**Tentacles:** Are you freaking serious? We just bought these.

L groaned, "You're going to get us thrown out of this movie just like you got us thrown out of the last Harry Potter."

Vibrate.

**Tentacles: **I got us kicked out of Harry Potter because I kept rising out of my seat to make shadow puppets on the screen.

"Yeah. Why were you doing that?"

Vibrate.

**Tentacles**: Because that movie sucked too and I wanted to get kicked out.

L turned around and folded his arms. "You complain about everything I want to do," he said sharply, sounding as though he might cry.

The tentacles, hesitated for a moment, then wrapped around his shoulders, and tousled his hair teasingly. L's phone vibrated, and he read the newest message.

**Tentacles:** I sorrrry. Don't be mad. Look, I'll throw away the drinks, and we'll go in, and I'll sit through this piece of crap movie because I love you that much.

And sit through the movie they did. The tentacles only sent one sarcastic text.

**Tentacles:** I am so blown away. This movie is a cinematic masterpiece.

But when L glared darkly, the tentacles decided to be on good behavior for the rest of the show.

* * *

When they got back to L's hotel room, L lingered at the door. "Do you want to come in for some coffee?" He asked.

The tentacles nodded eagerly.

"By 'coffee' I really mean just coffee." L clarified.

His phone buzzed.

**Tentacles:** Sure you do.

"I'm serious."

**Tentacles:** Yeah yeah yeah I know. Jeez, after I sat through that whole movie, I'd think you owe me at least a little something.

"Well, I guess you're right." L said. "You can have some cream and sugar too."

* * *

_Hope you enjoyed this, and found it as amusing and silly as I did. In case anyone is wondering whether the tentacles are a boy or a girl... I'm not sure. I think tentacles are usually meant to be male. But in this story, they sort of behave the way I do on dates, and I'm a girl, so... who knows! Stay tuned, I have a few more stories coming up. _


End file.
